Coffee and Chocolate
by Atana
Summary: It's Britomartis Vox's thirteenth birthday, and she and her best friend Severus Snape dream up the Ultimate Prank! A Snips and Spirals story.


DISCLAIMER: No, nothing naughty happened! You all have dirty minds!  
  
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Snips and Spirals Fanfic: "Coffee and Chocolate"

Text by Lady Tesser

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It had been a few weeks since the Snipe Hunt Incident and Severus Snape finally overcoming his stutter. Anytime Sev and the Marauders shared a class, Sev had to restrain the urge to give them donkey-heads every time they stuttered in his direction or murmured 'Woo-hoo-hoo!' He promised Martis they were going to honor the Truce (which the Marauders as a whole were doing as well) until she could finally come up with The Ultimate Prank.  
  
The sunny days of September had melted into the cloudy days of October, the sky around the castle filled with lead-gray clouds and sometimes rainshowers that did little more than wet students down if they ventured outside.  
  
One of those rainy days was a Friday, Britomartis Vox's 13th Birthday, and Slytherin Quidditch practice.  
  
And it was That Time of the Month on top of everything else.  
  
----------  
  
Martis dragged herself through the Slytherin common room on her way to the girls' dorms. Noting the completely dry Narcissa Black cuddling with Lucius Malfoy on the couch (or as near to cuddling as either would get without actually touching each other), Martis casually flicked her wand in their direction and made daisies grow out of the tops of their heads.  
  
This really did nothing to alleviate her own mood, but it was nice to hear the giggles of her Slytherin brothers and sisters at her joke.  
  
She entered her own dorm room and looked around to see her roommates Oriana Crescent and Peony Danderfluff doing each other's hair.  
  
"Still feel bad?" Oriana asked.  
  
"Blagh," Martis remarked. "I hate this school. I hate this weather. It's raining AND cold outside! This is insane! Why couldn't the school have been built in Spain or something?"  
  
"Beauxbatons is in southern France," Peony pointed out. "You could have gone there."  
  
"Don't say dirty words like 'France'," Martis grumbled. She began stripping out of her Quidditch armor. "Anybody got any chocolate?"  
  
Both shook their heads. "We haven't been to Honeyduke's recently," Oriana informed her. "Otherwise we would have given it to you to shut you up."  
  
"Apologies," Martis snorted. "I'm still getting used to this stuff."  
  
"Doesn't take long," Peony answered. "Then you'll wish it would go away as soon as possible."  
  
Martis chuckled grimly. "I just wish it waited until much later. Unfortunately, the school frowns on pregnancies."  
  
Oriana choked while Peony giggled. "You're all set for babies already?"  
  
"Why not?" Martis asked. "It's what the system's for. And I've always wanted babies. It amazes me, you British, being so much against nature."  
  
Oriana huffed, "There are other things besides ... you know what!"  
  
Martis felt a smile coming on. "That also amazes me, too - you can't even say the word 'sex'. Sex-sex-sex! There, I said it! And you're both turning as red as beets! At least Snips had the guts to tell me to shut up."  
  
"You said that around Snape??" Peony cried in horror.  
  
Martis nodded. "Why? What's wrong with that?"  
  
"You don't talk about that with boys!"  
  
Martis rolled her eyes. "That proves it. It wouldn't be so hush-hush if the genders talked about it in the open."  
  
Oriana leaned close. "What did Severus say about ... that?"  
  
Martis began chain-yanking: "Oh, he was a wild animal with the way he - OW!" A pack of curlers had landed against the side of her head. "He told me to shut up is all. Great Mother, you all have dirtier minds than me." She picked up her bath supplies. "And for your information and your Rumor Mill, nothing has happened between us. Yet." She gave them a grin. "After all, we haven't found a hardware store with all the equipment."  
  
She left the room as Oriana and Peony squealed in horror and embarrassment.  
  
----------  
  
During dinner in the Great Hall, Sev handed Martis an envelope under the table.  
  
"And what's this?" she asked.  
  
"Just read it," he answered quietly. He allowed his hair to curtain his face as he went back to eating his dinner.  
  
Martis ripped the envelope open and pulled out the parchment to read: 'Spirals - Let's go up to the Conversation Room tonight. We'll have a small party for your birthday. - Snips'  
  
Martis looked up at him and smiled. She wondered what he had in mind. Perhaps ideas for pranks? Or maybe some incidental cuddling - she needed to be held after a day like this.  
  
Dinner ended quickly and the students filed out of the Great Hall. Sensing an opportunity, Martis rushed up to James Potter and said, "James Potter, I have a question!"  
  
The Marauders paused. The scent of fear was slightly high, but seeing her hands in the open and the serious look on her face, the rest of them allowed Potter to take care of whatever she needed.  
  
Potter smiled suavely (as much as a fourteen-year-old boy could) and replied, "Yes, Miss Vox, how may I help you?"  
  
"I figured you would be an expert on such things, being as experienced as you are. How does an organism survive without a brain?"  
  
She trotted off as he thought about it, then he got it. "You sneaky snake! I'm going to grind you into the dirt at the opening game!"  
  
Martis giggled as she caught up with Sev.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"Implied he had no brain." She wrapped an arm around his waist. "Should we go now?" she whispered.  
  
"If you like," he answered quietly. "Just give me a minute to go up first, then you can come up."  
  
Martis released him and he dashed outside to another school building. Lingering in the hall, she saw Peter Pettigrew make his way toward her. Frowning, she folded her arms.  
  
Pettigrew sniggered. "Happy Birthday, Brain-of-Mite! Want a Snipe for your birthday?"  
  
Martis snorted. "Mr. Pettigrew, answer me yes or no: do you still wet the bed?"  
  
"No!"  
  
One of the Ravenclaws passing by commented, "Well, that answers everything."  
  
Martis wandered off as Pettigrew tried to figure out what just happened.  
  
----------  
  
Sev looked around, setting the lantern down. "Not much."  
  
Martis poked her head in at that moment. "Safe to come in?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Martis studied the room - a drawing pad, a set of pencils and paints and brushes, a basket full of several blocks of chocolate - then looked up to Sev.  
  
"Happy Birthday," he said.  
  
"Where did you get all this?"  
  
He grinned, pulling her into the Conversation Room. "I've been saving the art supplies from home. The chocolates are actually a gift from the sweets shop owners since we have been their best customers. I told them your birthday was coming up and they sent this over."  
  
"Oh, Snips!" she cried, pulling him into a hug. "You're such a sweetheart!"  
  
The evening was spent in chocolate consumption and drawing. Many of the drawings were of exaggerated caricatures of the Marauders, most notably of Pettigrew bent double with Black holding a paddle and Pettigrew saying 'Thank you sir may I have another!' and Potter and Black in bed together with the caption 'Makes sense, don't it?'  
  
Rain pattered down on the stained glass ceiling, distorting the colors of the glass reflecting back down from the lantern. Sometimes lightning lit up the room in a noise of thunder and contorted colors over the stones and their clothes.  
  
Then the lantern light dimmed out.  
  
"Damn," Sev murmured, squeezing her. "I knew I was forgetting something. What time is it, anyway?"  
  
"Probably after ten," Martis answered in the darkness, leaning against him. "I'm pretty sure we can sneak into the kitchens and get something to drink."  
  
"Think we can by-pass Filch?"  
  
"We can always try," she giggled. "You get more oil for the lantern and I'll get something to drink."  
  
"All right." He inhaled, feeling his heart pounding in his chest, then held her close and leaned forward. The darkness gave him enough courage to try to kiss her cheek. Just as a friend to a friend. Nothing else.  
  
His lips hit her hair. Her hair was soft, but it was not her cheek. He quickly pulled back, exhaling in frustration.  
  
She sighed. "Snips ... "  
  
Sev cleared his throat. "Yes, sorry." He felt her lips kiss his forehead and he wondered how she was able to do that in the dark.  
  
----------  
  
Martis slipped into the kitchens, finding something she did not expect.  
  
"I smell coffee!" she breathed.  
  
Several house-elves looked up, their large eyes and pointed ears swinging in her direction.  
  
"Oh, you shouldn't be down here!" one of them slurred.  
  
"Can't have a student seeing us like this!" another hiccuped.  
  
Martis narrowed her eyes and gazed at the half-dozen tanked house-elves. "You guys get drunk on coffee?"  
  
"Coffee and butterbeer," one of the others answered with as much dignity as she could muster with her head laying on a preparation table.  
  
"Oh, Great Mother, I miss coffee!" Martis whined. "Could you spare some - please?"  
  
A younger house-elf giggled. "As long as you don't tell on us."  
  
"Of course not," she replied. "Coffee is the Blood of Life. It's what great nations are founded and fought for. Civilization is incomplete without coffee!"  
  
One of the house-elves uneasily shoved a cup toward her. "Here."  
  
Martis picked it up, inhaling the fumes. "Ah, Holy Coffee! Sacred Coffee!" She sipped the hot liquid, tasting the mellow acid and rich aftertaste. She fell to her knees before the house-elves and bowed. "Bless you and your families and your future generations!"  
  
The house-elves giggled and applauded. "Finally!" one of the female ones cried. "Someone appreciates - hic - the nectar of the Gods!"  
  
A few minutes later, armed with a jug of tea, a jug of coffee, and two mugs, Martis returned to the Conversation Room to find Sev with a freshly lit lantern and most of his hair braided back from his face.  
  
"Tea fine with you?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," he answered. "What else do you have there?"  
  
"Coffee!" she cackled. "Coffee and chocolate!"  
  
Sev thought about it. "Will you vibrate into another dimension this time?"  
  
"I wanna try!" She settled next to him and poured tea and coffee. Grinning wickedly, she held up the cups. "Coffee, tea, or me?"  
  
Sev laughed. "You're in such a mood today!"  
  
"It's that time again," she answered soberly.  
  
He smiled nervously. "This really is a regular thing, isn't it?"  
  
"Quite regular, like clockwork."  
  
"I'll mark my calendar then." He accepted the tea. "Good birthday, anyway?"  
  
"The best!" she proclaimed. She popped a chunk of peanut-butter-chocolate in her mouth, then sipped the rich coffee, allowing the chocolate to melt in the warm liquid, exploding into an orgiastic blaze of flavor before swallowing. "Ooh, I'm in heeeeaaaaaavennnn!"  
  
Sev was surprised at this side of his Martis. He had never seen her get this excited over anything - well, not like this, anyway. It was scary, confusing, and woke up things in him he was not aware of ...  
  
"What were we talking about?" she asked as she lay back on the stone floor. "By the way, I'm going to repeat it, you look really good with the braid."  
  
"Thanks," he mumbled.  
  
She giggled. "Oh, yes, we were discussing the virtues of making Chocolate Frog versions of the Marauders, in which they would run around screaming until we bit their heads off."  
  
He laughed. "No, we weren't, but that's a great idea."  
  
She sat up and placed a dark chocolate chunk in her mouth, followed by more coffee. She slit her eyes and moaned in delight. "Woo, I love being buzzed on coffee and chocolate."  
  
"Buzzed?" Sev repeated.  
  
"Alternate state of mind." She lay back on the floor, staring at the vaulted glass ceiling and the rain falling on it. "Ooh! There it is again!"  
  
"What?" Sev asked.  
  
"The vision! The Prank to End All Pranks!" She gasped, shuddering. "Oh, Great Mother, it's brilliant!"  
  
"Martis??" Sev called in alarm. "You're scaring me!"  
  
She felt for the chocolates and stuffed a random one in her mouth, staring transfixed at the ceiling. A flash of lightning lit up the room and she cried out, "YES - I GOT IT!"  
  
Sev fell back, curling himself up into a ball and covering his head.  
  
Martis began to babble, "Great Mother, it's so beautiful and it's so simple and it'll work brilliantly! Oh, my God, this is fantastic! Oh, yes, so damn brilliant! Woo-hoo!"  
  
She got up and tackled the ball of teenage boy, forcing him on his back and holding his wrists down. "Snips! We have The Ultimate Prank!"  
  
Girl on top of him, her long hair coiling around his body, her eyes wild ... and it frightened him out of his mind. "Martis, you're scaring the hell out of me! Stop it!"  
  
She blinked as if coming out of a stupor, then pulled away. "Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you - I just had the Prank reveal itself to me and I just got so excited because it's wonderful - "  
  
"And what you were doing before wasn't?"  
  
"That was just a caffeine orgasm - don't worry about it."  
  
His eyes snapped open. "Whu-whu-whu - "  
  
"Oh, Snips!" she cried, pulling him up. "I have to tell you about The Ultimate Prank! I'll need your brains to help me work it out!"  
  
----------  
  
The next morning, Martis and Sev entered the Great Hall for breakfast, grinning very large, very scary grins toward the Marauders.  
  
"I don't like those looks on their faces," Black muttered.  
  
Lupin shuddered. "Why do I feel like I'm at an all-you-can-eat cannibal feast?"  
  
"You, too?" Potter asked.  
  
Pettigrew was still puzzling, "What did she mean by 'do you still wet the bed'?"  
  
Black snarled at him to shut up.  
  
Back at the Slytherin tables, a few had their own ideas.  
  
"You don't think - ?" Oriana whispered.  
  
"She wasn't in bed last night," Peony admitted.  
  
"No way ... just - no way ... "Oriana decided. "I'd believe they were setting traps all over the school before 'that'."  
  
Akiko Mori spoke up, "In my culture, the man's nose always corresponds to the size of his you-know-what."  
  
Oriana and Peony squealed. "You've got to be kidding!" Oriana breathed.  
  
Akiko smirked. "Only Spirals can answer that."  
  
All three turned to check on the grins the two shared over their breakfast.  
  
"Can't be," Oriana concluded. "Those are evil grins. And they're glancing at the Marauders. They must have come up with something truly awful in response to that Snipe Hunt crap."  
  
"Ooh!" Peony giggled. "That I can look forward to!"  
  
Back at their own end, Martis looked up at Sev. "So, any ideas of how to start working on The Box?"  
  
"I need to do some research," Sev answered as he peeled an orange. "But I think it's completely possible. Most of the spells to use on such a thing are taught to Seventh-Years, but I can get the information without a problem."  
  
"Isn't it inspired?" she giggled. "Elegant, brilliant - "  
  
"We can't talk about it out here, though," he said. "People will catch wind of it and it'll get back to the Backside Sniffers."  
  
"Hm. All right. What shall we refer to The Box as?"  
  
He shrugged. "Not at all around here." He chewed on a slice and swallowed as Lucius say down near them. "Gods, I ache. You shouldn't have kept me up so late."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry but it was worth seeing it through," Martis answered. "Admit it, you loved it."  
  
"Yes, I did - especially the expression on your face when it hit."  
  
Lucius flushed. "I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Go away," Martis said. "Snips and me are plotting."  
  
"Not surprising. I'll decide I misheard you." He leaned close to Sev and whispered, "I want details, Snape!"  
  
Sev shook his head. "You're not cleared."  
  
After Lucius left, it occurred to Sev that they may have had entirely different conversations.  
  
Oh, well. They had a plan to work on. The Ultimate Prank.  
  
-End-


End file.
